Sunday, November 29, 2015


Just yesterday she couldn't, and today she can sit and play by herself. Amazing!

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Man makes plans and God laughs

Or in my case KIJIJI laughs...

I knew I would buy her a rocking horse since her first day. No, even before she was born. This is one of the silly things I'm fixated on. Every child should have a rocking horse in my world.

I was imagining something vintage, little bit shabby, something like carousel horse with life like posture and impressive face with bare teeth.

Since I cannot afford restored antique one or custom made - I searched classifieds all around Canada. There where some acceptable options (still quite a bit expensive). But it's so hard to set your mind on only one! Thus the search continued.

Until one day I saw something completely different from my original idea. Primitive little number with flat cut-out horsey-ish head and not even close to resembling a real animal. I immediately knew this is the one for us. Because it was MY rocking horse. The one I had as a child. Well, almost an exact copy...

I immediately remembered a black and white picture my grandmother took featuring me riding it. I remembered all summers spent in her house, all games we played with my cousins, all laughs and hugs, and just a general feel of total happiness. My perfect childhood.

So, yeah. We got it. For next to nothing amount of money. My daughter will ride it when she'll grow up a bit. And I'll tell her that it did belong to me once. And I'll show her a black and white picture my grandmother took.

Thursday, November 19, 2015


Every day at least once to make going for a nap easier we come to look trough the balcony glass door. I name colors of passing cars, comment on people and dogs, count train cars. She looks at everything I point to and taps on the glass with her chubby hand.
At some point tapping intervals become longer, I stop talking and might just sing her a few songs, or be quiet and wait.
Her body grows heavier, head comes to rest between my jaw and the collarbone, her eyes are starting to bat more slowly and this is my cue to go and put her in the crib (you know, drowsy but awake thing), and help her sooth herself to sleep.
Most of the time I stick to this routine (the only change could be the big bed instead of the crib, so I could spent some time reading alongside).
But once in a while I let it slide. I let her drift to sleep in my arms, feeling her body going limp and her breath becoming deeper. I hold her and kiss the top of her head, and smell it until my arms are starting to ache. Usually we end up in the rocker or sitting on the bed and I hold her while she sleeps. I know I'm not supposed to, but... She's growing up so fast! While it's a fascinating thing to watch a child develop and change every day, it also makes me very sad because it's so freaking fast! Soon time will come, and I will have to let her walk and explore, and make friends and talk back to me. And she won't let me rock her to sleep anymore.
So for now I look at her while she sleeps, count her smiles, caress her cheek and say "Hi" when she opens her eyes.
I wish the photograph could transmit somehow  that feeling of an infant getting heavier in your arms, molding to your body and going to sleep. I know I won't ever forget that feeling, but I still wish picture could do it for others.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I should do it more often

I mean to take pictures of her. Time is a bit of an issue though, and truth to be told, sometimes I just stare at her at awe, thinking "Holly...! I made this! She came from me!" And forget about the camera. Oh well... Let's hope I won't have memory problems later and would remember everything about her:) She doesn't know what's going on in my head and smiles back at me.